BREAKING NEWS: The SEC Denies Involvement In Scandal

Breaking news alertThe Supreme Executive Committee of Lent Madness categorically denies any involvement with bribery for places in the bracket of saints. Despite all accusations to the contrary, Louis of France earned his way into the 2014 bracket, and the SEC did not accept payment for favorable placement.

This so-called “Payment for Placement” scheme has rocked the foundation of  the world’s most popular online Lenten devotion.

Some accusers have pointed to the St. Louis Gateway Arch as possible evidence of corruption. As everyone knows, the SEC consists of Fr. Tim Schenck and Fr. Scott Gunn, infamously known to be archnemeses. Can the SEC help it if there’s a major American city named after one of the contestants? So what if we arch-rivals happen to like the Arch?

st johns clydesdale

This photo, sent by an anonymous source, was taken at St. John’s, Hingham. So what if a clydesdale was there?

The Rev. Tim Schenck indignantly proclaimed, “Hey, Louis was a failed crusader, just like these bogus accusations are a failed crusade to tarnish the SEC.” He continued, “Just because I like beer doesn’t mean I have accepted a large gift from Anheuser-Busch in the form of small, unmarked kegs.”

Known as a non-beer-drinker, the Rev. Scott Gunn stated, “For the record, Anheuser-Busch has nothing on me. And just because I love licorice does not mean I’m in [St. Louis candy maker] Switzer’s pocket, even though they make the best licorice in America.”

The SEC chooses the bracket at its annual spring boondoggle retreat. While nominations are accepted, bribes are discouraged. “Everyone gets into the bracket on her or his own merit, not because of sponsorships,” said Gunn. Schenck added, “And there’s no way we’re going to accept free cardigans or sneakers to put Fred Rogers in.” Gunn, seeking the last word on this subject, blurted out, “We see eye to eye on this one. No one gets into the bracket unless some church has put them on a calendar of commemorations, and even then a few individuals are going to have to be content in the Land of Make Believe rather than the Lent Madness bracket. That goes doubly for King Friday.”

King Louis of France, or St. Louis, as he’s known, is obviously the patron of the eponymous city. The Dean of Christ Church Cathedral in St. Louis, the Very Rev. Mike Kinman, seeking to distance himself from this episode said, “Like Sergeant Schultz, I know nothing!” Kinman added, “Those clowns [the SEC] run this thing on their own and are apparently accountable to no one. The Cathedral is too busy doing important stuff like betting for charity to be involved in their little scheme.”

The SEC concluded its statement with this advice: “If you want to follow the money on brackets, why aren’t you looking at Warren Buffet’s billion-dollar bracket bet? And if you ask him about that, find out if he wants to invest in Lent Madness.”

45 Comments to "BREAKING NEWS: The SEC Denies Involvement In Scandal"

  1. Jill Jensen's Gravatar Jill Jensen
    March 20, 2014 - 7:07 pm | Permalink

    Cardigans rule. Mr Rogers for the win!

    • March 20, 2014 - 7:46 pm | Permalink

      The Rt. Rev. George Leslie Cardigan was Bishop of Missouri (St. Louis). He confirmed me. All the more sign of a scandal.

      • March 20, 2014 - 7:48 pm | Permalink

        Excuse me. that was the Rt. Rev. George Cadigan.

        This scandal stuff can confuse things.

    • linda's Gravatar linda
      March 20, 2014 - 10:37 pm | Permalink


    • linda's Gravatar linda
      March 20, 2014 - 10:38 pm | Permalink

      ditto was supposed to go in the reply about mr. rogers. the SEC has pull- get him on a calendar…please.

  2. Dorrie Johnson's Gravatar Dorrie Johnson
    March 20, 2014 - 7:17 pm | Permalink

    I agree about Switzer’s licorice. It is the best!

  3. Constance Castillo's Gravatar Constance Castillo
    March 20, 2014 - 7:18 pm | Permalink

    I don’t know. The SEC’s a shady group at best.

  4. kit's Gravatar kit
    March 20, 2014 - 7:20 pm | Permalink

    Well, if the fix was in, Louie is going to want his money back. A regrettable showing.

  5. March 20, 2014 - 7:43 pm | Permalink

    How ironic that Fred Rogerx was mentioned on March 20, 2014, which would have been his 86th birthday. At least I *hope* it’s an irony!

  6. Jack Koepke's Gravatar Jack Koepke
    March 20, 2014 - 7:43 pm | Permalink

    I am shocked, SHOCKED, that there has been an accusation of misconduct directed at the SEC concerning the placement of King Louis in the bracket of saints. I am even more shocked, and mildly chagrined, that in the vigorous defense of your Supreme honor, you maligned the saintly King Friday. Be careful here. I hear the Standing Liturgical Commission has already received an application to consider adding Friday’s name to the liturgical calendar. I also hear that the application has received wide support through out the Church. (Well, okay, a letter poured in. But it’s early.) No doubt about it- he’s a rising star. And he owns a few Clydesdales. Just sayin…

    • linda's Gravatar linda
      March 20, 2014 - 10:42 pm | Permalink

      mr, rogers -yes…king friday-no. i like that “a letter poured in “!

  7. Lisa Leadley's Gravatar Lisa Leadley
    March 20, 2014 - 8:15 pm | Permalink

    Which Louis would this be?? There were some unsavory ones in the gaggle of Louises…:o)

  8. March 20, 2014 - 8:21 pm | Permalink

    My all time favorite King Friday moment occurred when the puppet said to real life dancer Tommy a Tune, “I’ve always been rather light on my feet myself.”

  9. Carol Virginia's Gravatar Carol Virginia
    March 20, 2014 - 8:25 pm | Permalink

    Oh this is delightful! Cadigans and cardigans as they relate to Mr. Rogers. And so I remember as the years role by that Fr Charles Cesaretti, Chair of the Council at 815, (I was UN-NGO at the time) sat in HIS cardigan and collar and non-chalantly mentioned (i must have been talking about my kids) that Fred Rogers was a very best friend of his.
    Both could be included on our list! Small world. Funny coincidence– if in fact there is such a thing. Let’s put on our cardigans and have a parade!

  10. Gary Goldacker's Gravatar Gary Goldacker
    March 20, 2014 - 8:47 pm | Permalink

    My great uncle was a senior VP of Switzer and my uncle worked for AB. We always had licorice and Bud in the house (it was given free to employees with their paychecks, back in the day!) Now, if a coffee company, other than Folgers or Maxwell House, had been involved in this scheme, I might be more inclined to believe the bribery charges.

  11. The Shadow's Gravatar The Shadow
    March 20, 2014 - 8:53 pm | Permalink

    Who is Scott Gunn? Why is he hiding from the TV cameras? Why is he at an undisclosed location in NY?
    Congressional Investigation needed.

    • glenda's Gravatar glenda
      March 21, 2014 - 5:54 pm | Permalink

      It’s the papparazii. He just can’t get any respect.

  12. Jane Cox's Gravatar Jane Cox
    March 20, 2014 - 9:19 pm | Permalink

    St. Louis is my hometown. I was baptized in the Church of St. Michael and St. George and still attend. Switzer’s IS the King of Licorice. My resume includes time spent at AB (not just drinking the free beer when taking a tour but working) and I can see your attraction to the Arch.
    What I can promise the SEC is that whatever I know about this scandal, my lips are sealed… as long you will consider including Mr. Rogers in the bracket when he is declared a Saint by the Association of TV Evangelists. Rumor has it that will be quite soon. Lacking this promise, certain information may make it’s way to the media. Not a threat; just stating facts.

    • linda's Gravatar linda
      March 20, 2014 - 10:46 pm | Permalink

      mr. rogers has gotten more press here than all the saints combined. you guys-the SEC- believe in adjusting the rules so adjust a bit and put mr. rogers on the bracket next year. you know if you don’t there may be an uprising.

    • Phil Harrington's Gravatar Phil Harrington
      March 21, 2014 - 9:00 am | Permalink

      Just don’t tell me that the Arch Bishop has been implicated in any of this!

  13. Snacktime's Gravatar Snacktime
    March 20, 2014 - 9:21 pm | Permalink

    A feast day for Fred Rogers! Yesssss. Consider the local observance HAPPENING!

  14. March 20, 2014 - 9:41 pm | Permalink

    We have to convince some Church to add Fred Rogers to it’s calendar — he was a Presbyterian, and they don’t keep a calendar of holy people. I don’t understand why the Episcopal Church hasn’t included him . . . there are certainly other non-Episcopalians on our liturgical calendar. But alas, this is one of the many things about which the Episcopal Church has not consulted me.

  15. Cardinal Fan's Gravatar Cardinal Fan
    March 20, 2014 - 9:49 pm | Permalink

    We are too cool to fall for this obvious ploy for bribes! This isn’t exactly “House of Cards” (although I’m sure the puns will begin any moment now).
    As if we didn’t have enough scandal in years past with the tyranny of the majorities generated through Big Pineapple and super-PACS funded by wealthy Mt. Holyoke alumna. And the vote between Mary and Antony was so heated and close, I am surprised we have not yet heard complaints about fraud!

  16. Madeleine Baier's Gravatar Madeleine Baier
    March 20, 2014 - 10:00 pm | Permalink

    Oooooooooh. Do Not Get Me Started!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  17. Beverly Brooks's Gravatar Beverly Brooks
    March 20, 2014 - 10:27 pm | Permalink

    Oh my, licorice was mentioned. We in Charleston, West Virginia equate that with poisoned drinking water. The Lord, I believe, doesn’t like that!

  18. Molly Reingruber's Gravatar Molly Reingruber
    March 20, 2014 - 10:28 pm | Permalink

    Sister Mary, my guess is that we will need to wait a couple more decades to see if Fred Rogers’ witness will hold up over time. I don’t see why not, however there will be those who will not support him, because he was a TV personality or because ministering to the inner lives of children is not seriously regarded (one may speculate on how many evils are caused by neglect or trauma in early childhood). Just because something is said simply, or to someone younger than yourself, that does not mean that the message is remedial, and you are advanced. Maybe if he were Episcopalian certain members of the SEC would be more open. I will save my cardigan bribes fir General Convention 2042.
    There is a curious disconnect because like Thomas Merton, Fred Rogers proclaimed that each person could become the person God made them to be. Aelred was all about the “spiritual friend”, and Mr. Rogers taught us how to make friends and stay in relationship and live in community (not easy or that natural, especially for adults). He modeled how to love someone just as they are, and helped millions receive and give that love. MANY of the saints this year were musicians, Fred Rogers was a musician. Many were ordained, Fred was ordained. Many were clear about serving an underserved population, or changing our awareness to make us more inclusive, check, check. Some took on the powerful establishment…have you seen how Fred converted that mean old Congressman when he spoke at the hearings about PBS funding? The effect he had on the world cannot be seen in tangible terms,but if his influence is still felt years from now, then I would say he is a very worthy candidate for Holy Women, Holy Men. It might be nice to see him combined with someone else, like Sophia Cavalletti, or Maria Montessori, who transformed the world because of the way they saw children.

    • VT Patty's Gravatar VT Patty
      March 20, 2014 - 11:01 pm | Permalink

      Yes! Mr. Rogers was a holy man who ministered to a group often ignored : young children.

  19. Harlie Youngblood's Gravatar Harlie Youngblood
    March 20, 2014 - 10:35 pm | Permalink

    What is going on with the SEC??? First they tell us that Adam Thomas and David Sibley are two different people (But look at them! Even the glasses are the same!), now there’s this unsavory scandal business! It’s time for the Presiding Bishop to step in!!!!

  20. Molly Reingruber's Gravatar Molly Reingruber
    March 20, 2014 - 10:37 pm | Permalink

    I Wish I’d just said “Ditto Madeleine”. But of course it wasn’t up when I started typing with my thumbs. Wow. Jeesh. Don’t get ME started, apparently.(cuckoo, cuckoo, it’s time for bed) all apologies for the lecture. I’m giving up reading Lent Madness posts outside the hours of 7:30-10:30 am starting tomorrow!

  21. Molly Reingruber's Gravatar Molly Reingruber
    March 20, 2014 - 10:45 pm | Permalink

    And I swear off mentioning FR on this site ever again. ( You can stop cheering now)

    • linda's Gravatar linda
      March 20, 2014 - 10:51 pm | Permalink

      i shall continue to mention FR until the SEC relents…ha-re-lents!

    • Heather White's Gravatar Heather White
      March 21, 2014 - 11:28 pm | Permalink

      Molly, don’t stop! I think the most meaningful thing I’ve read thus far during Lent Madness was the quote from Fred Rogers posted on his birthday. He may have aimed his television show at children but I would guess I’m not the only parent who was helped to focus on the truly essential aspects of parenting by watching the show with their kids: the sense of wonder at God’s creation, the need to respect every person, etc. Surely the SEC will re-lent someday!

  22. March 20, 2014 - 11:05 pm | Permalink

    Switzer’s? Ah, no, Scott. Red Vines.

  23. aleathia (dolores)nicholson's Gravatar aleathia (dolores)nicholson
    March 21, 2014 - 12:10 am | Permalink

    Well, I hope you’re satisfied now that the Fred Rogers crowd has gone ballistic. I tried to warn you. Now, I’ve figured out how to deal with this by way of a truce. Remember SNL with Eddie Murphy doing Mr. Rogers neighborhood? “He-wo, boys and guls !!!” Put him in in FR’s place and let’s go to the neighborhood !!!

  24. March 21, 2014 - 12:45 am | Permalink

    Once again, folks elsewhere are maligning the SEC just because they are jealous of its pre-eminence. That’s really not fair, because this year it was the ACC that won the Nat’l Championship, to-wit, the incredibly fantastic FSU Seminoles. Of course, all of the Nat’l Champions in recent years have in fact been from the southeast U.S. (although FSU = ACC), so it just goes to show you that God & all the Saints are fans of and take a hand in old school Southern football. Oh, wait, you mean SEC is not the Southeastern Conference? You means its TWO PRIESTS running this thing instead of the Coaches from the Auburn Tigers, Alabama Crimson Tide, Georgia Bulldogs, Florida Gators, LSU Tigers, Kentucky Wildcats etc., etc.? Did that whole Tebow genuflecting on the field scenario cause us to be abandoned by the truly beatified? Oops! Nevermind.

  25. Miss Jan's Gravatar Miss Jan
    March 21, 2014 - 1:23 am | Permalink

    FYI Sister Mary W. et al. the Rev. Fred McFeely Rodgers worshipped at an EPISCOPAL parish when at his summer home. Now will someone be my neighbor and tell me the process to get SCLM/GenCon/whomsoever to put him in HWHM? I’m serious!

    • Harlie Youngblood's Gravatar Harlie Youngblood
      March 21, 2014 - 9:31 am | Permalink

      Forgive me, Jan, if I’m misunderstanding your request and telling you something you already know, but just in case…beginning on page 742 of HWHM are the Guidelines and Procedures for Continuing Alteration of the Calendar of the Episcopal Church.
      Hope this helps.

  26. sandrita's Gravatar sandrita
    March 21, 2014 - 8:40 am | Permalink

    You two fellows are so clever and so are the remarks of your devoted (?) followers!

  27. Megan Elizabeth's Gravatar Megan Elizabeth
    March 21, 2014 - 9:15 am | Permalink

    I love this stuff. Thank you for making my very stuffed work day today begin with a laugh.

    I live only 90 Miles North of St. Louis – Hannibal – Saint Mark Twain, anyone? 😉 and can see the possible roots of scandal. It IS St. Louis’ 250th anniversary this year…..perhaps the St. Louis Visitors Commission took it upon themselves to en$ure that St. Louis was in the bracket as a brilliant guerrilla marketing scheme to promote their anniversary year! The PLOT THICKENS!!!!!

  28. Bridgett's Gravatar Bridgett
    March 21, 2014 - 9:20 am | Permalink

    In this blessed and holy season, I hate to dredge up bad memories but wasn’t the arch to be in the true western side of the state (Kansas City), but due to politics and money it was placed elsewhere (St. Louis)? Is there a pattern?

  29. Madeleine Baier's Gravatar Madeleine Baier
    March 21, 2014 - 9:37 am | Permalink

    I will continue to uphold Fred Rogers until the sec relents, or a sheet is pulled up over my face. Whichever comes first!!!

  30. Madeleine Baier's Gravatar Madeleine Baier
    March 21, 2014 - 10:24 am | Permalink

    Hi Linda! Ah memories. King Friday always got on my nerves, but did you notice that Lady Elaine Fairchild always pushing Friday’s buttons? You go girl!! I too got a chuckle on the “letter pouring in”

  31. aleathia (dolores)nicholson's Gravatar aleathia (dolores)nicholson
    March 21, 2014 - 11:26 am | Permalink

    Eddie Murphy’s take (?) on SNL’s Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood is still worth considering since the SEC has such a quirky sense of humor. It’s on a par with some of the suggestions made so far and the two Padres are making it pretty clear they have no attention of relenting any time soon. Do remember that it’s their ballgame and their invention.

  32. March 21, 2014 - 3:25 pm | Permalink

    I heard it was Stephen Colbert who tried to bribe his way into the running. Something about sending his flavor of Ben and Jerry’s to the SEC.

Comments are closed.