BREAKING EXCLUSIVE: The SEC Reveals the Truth Behind the Archbishop's Resignation

March 17, 2012
Scott Gunn

The TruthIt is impossible to overstate the worldwide impact of Lent Madness. Not only is Lent Madness having an impact from Houston to Toledo, but even Lambeth Palace has been shaken to its foundations. Savvy Lent Madness commenter and intrepid reporter Jason Tillman writes about the truth behind the recent news from Lambeth. After much investigation, the Supreme Executive Committee is now able to confirm that Lent Madness is responsible for the leadership change in the Anglican Communion. Here is Tillman's report:

Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams must be following Lent Madness. He was so impressed with Mary Magdalene’s trouncing of Joan of Arc that he was moved to accept the post at Magdalene College!

Obviously, Rowan Williams felt that it would be impolitic to resign immediately so he could devote his full energy to cheering on Mary Magdalene in Lent Madness 2012. But his resignation will have boosted her name recognition even further. And it is almost certain that his decision to go to Cambridge (as opposed to Kenyon College) must have been influenced by his desire to be associated with a Lent Madness winner.

Who knows what other world events will be influenced by Lent Madness? Will parents start naming their children Enmegahbowh? Will Santa Claus give up this year, and will children receive copies of books they'll never read? Will helicopter parents finally back off, thus enabling their children to be chaste, but "not yet"? Will people named Thomas ever regain their self-esteem?

All we know for sure is that the next Archbishop of Canterbury had better be more impressive than Theodore of Tarsus if there's to be any hope of getting past the first round of Lent Madness.

Finally, the SEC did want to quell one rumor that has Twitter all abuzz. In a jointly released statement Scott and Tim made it clear that neither one of them will accept the nomination to serve as the next Archbishop of Canterbury. "We are utterly dedicated to the task at hand: helping Lent Madness attain world domination. While we would both willingly accept a few hand-me-down cloth-of-gold copes and perhaps even the bishop's throne itself from Canterbury Cathedral, reliquishing a spot on the Supreme Executive Committee to become the titular head of the Anglican Communion would be a vocational step backward."

We trust this knowledge will allow Lent Madness Nation to sleep soundly this evening. And not merely because you have gorged yourself on corn beef, cabbage, and Guinness.


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11 comments on “BREAKING EXCLUSIVE: The SEC Reveals the Truth Behind the Archbishop's Resignation”

  1. Does this mean that we must now pronounce it Mary Maudlin?

    There is now a petition on putting forth Geraldine Granger for ABC. Will Lent Madness get behind that, now that we know Scott and Tim will not be accepting any possible nomination for the job?

      1. Thanks, Karen. My attempt at a joke was weak, I guess. 😉 Besides I live in California. So, if I ever make it back to either place, I'll be in the know.

  2. Camp Magdalene is pleased to have such a ringing endorsement from the Archbishop on board for Golden Halo 2012. He wouldn't want to be seen as partisan in this battle, of course, so I can understand that he might not wish to issue an actual statement of support. But, as the SEC points out, "actions speak..." etc

  3. If Lehigh can beat Duke, then I think anything can happen. Next bracket buster that I'm eyeing is Evelyn to beat Monnica.

    And lest we forget, Thomas Cranmer is still in the tournament.Thomases everywhere stand tall.

  4. Well.........To say I am speechless....well, nobody who knows me would ever even believe that, not even if I had laryngitis. You two are truly the bee's knees and are running amuck with the truth, at least your version of the truth. I so admire your creativity but you need to cut down on the Guinness as it's emboldened you to the point where a lawsuit may be in the works. I am surprised that the comments are really mild. I fully expected the person who scolded the NOLA Picayune writer hasn't tried to banish you two to the outer realms of Hell. But there's still time. Continue to be of good cheer !

  5. What nickname could one possibly devise for a child named Enmegahbowh.

    Further is there any possibility of Tim and Scott both becoming Archbishops---something similar to 2 Popes????

  6. This year for the first time in NCAA history 4 college basketball teams from the same state are in the NCAA's Sweet Sixteen bracket. These teams, Xavier, Cincinnati, Ohio State and Ohio University are all obviously from Ohio. However they also just happen to all be in the Episcopal Diocese of Southern Ohio. It is interesting to note that SEC member Scott Gunn is also in the Diocese of Southern Ohio.

    According to somewhat reliable sources ESPN, CBS Sports, Interpol and the Oprah Winfrey Network all have video proof that Scott "Hoops" Gunn was on the bench this weekend when all of these teams played. Was he there for spiritual support or to import basketball savvy to these teams? Some have doubted the accuracy of these reports pointing out that some of these games were played hundreds of miles apart during the same time period. However if during Lent Madness Margaret of Scotland (or England or Hungary) could travel through time to repair buildings anything is possible.

    Equally interesting is the fact that the next round of the NCAA Basketball tournament moves to the Hingham, Massachusetts suburb of Boston. Is it just a coincidence that Hingham is the home of SEC member Tim "Slam Dunk" Schenck?

    Where will the SEC show up next?